"In the world beyond this one, do you intend to lead a better life?"
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"
"It means that your existence - such as it is - is meaningless."
"Meaningless? I loved and raised two children to adulthood. They each raised two children as far as the world allowed. I loved my wife. It meant a great deal to me."
"Selfish. And little more than the accomplishments of the rabbits that lived under your tool shed and ate your cucumbers every summer."
"Fuck you."
"That's no way to address the gatekeeper."
"Oh, so now you're Saint Peter?"
"Not just now. As long as I can remember."
"Then where are the gates?"
"Your kind made that up, along with wings and halos and harps."
"And good looks. You're fucking repulsive."
"Maybe. Ever notice how with everything better than a human, people imagine it to look like them?"
"Angels, aliens, gods. Ok - I'll give you three quarters credit on that one."
"You have no imagination. That's your problem. You think you're the smartest, most powerful creatures under the black skies and you can't imagine anything better than yourselves, so you end up imagining all these things in your own image."
"The bible says-"
"I know what it says. Your kind have been quoting it at me for two thousand years. You all made that up too. Some of it's right, but that's just luck more than anything."
"Is my wife in the world beyond this one?"
"No. Not the one we're talking about."
"There's more than one?"
"Always."
"We get to choose?"
"Not really."
"That sounds suspiciously like sometimes."
"The fact is, I'm just a salesman. I happen to think this is the best Beyond available and I'm trying to get you to choose it but it's a one-time deal. You have to pick it sight unseen."
"And my wife didn't?"
"No. She had no faith."
"What did she pick?"
"I couldn't even guess. Suffice it to say she got to preview a million horrors and select her favorite. I ask you again. In the world beyond this one, do you intend to live a better life?"
"I can't say yes. I thought my life was good. I had no intention of bettering it. Were the question would I, I might be able to say yes."
"Very good. Now do you want to be like me? Or would you prefer another go at being human?"
"Is that body as uncomfortable as it looks?"
"Yes."
"Will I remember any of this if I go back?"
"Only a few ever have."
"Was Jesus one of them?"
"Yes."
"Mohammad?"
"Yes."
"tell me one more?"
"Michael Landon."
"Jesus."
"Language."
"Is there anything other than this gray void here?"
"Only if you close your eyes."
"Ok. I think I'd like another crack at being human."
"Very well. Just head toward the light."
"On my way."
"Once there, you will be faced with some options."
"Some?"
"Millions, really."
"Millions?"
"Yes, but don't worry. As I understand it, the best option is always readily apparent."
"Okay."
"Oh - one last thing."
"Yes?"
"Think warm thoughts. It's cold when you arrive."
